Welcome to America

6 November 2006. We woke up at 4:15 this morning and left our hotel an hour later under the cover of darkness. We hired a private water taxi to pick us up at our hotel, which was a wise move given that it cut the commute to the airport by about 75%. It was pitch black and freezing cold as we sped over cresting waves; mommy and daddy say it was like something out of a spy movie! After disembarking, we made the 15 minute walk from the water taxi stand to the actual airport. Did I mention it was cold and that mommy had packed our coats so we wouldn't have to keep track of them during our day of travel? We finally made it inside and up to the counter to check in, which we amazingly did with no problems. The lovely Alitalia lady who was helping us checked our luggage and stroller "all the way through to Washington" and we were off to Milan for a two hour layover.

In Milan, I ate breakfast in the Alitalia lounge (which was insanely crowded and not remotely relaxing as lounges are intended to be) while mommy went to the duty free store. She and daddy decided to spend our remaining Euro so daddy wouldn't have to exchange them for dollars. There are signs ALL OVER the duty free store that say something to this effect: "Attention passengers traveling to the USA! You may take ANYTHING you purchase in this store as part of your hand-carry luggage." Mommy, who enjoys duty free shopping, had even researched this before we left the US. TSA's website says, "Beginning Sept. 26, 2006, liquids, gels, and aerosols purchased after completing security screening at the checkpoint may be carried aboard an aircraft. This includes duty-free shops as well as other vendors inside the security checkpoint." Knowing she would be a-okay, mommy bought two bottles of 12-year aged Balsamic vinegar and a bar of chocolate. The duty free clerk sealed it with "terrorist proof" tape and we were on our way.

Our return flight home was pretty fun. Once again, I wanted nothing to do with the bassinet; and once again, we were all fine once mommy finally understood this. I napped on her while she suffered through a viewing of "My Super Ex-Girlfriend" and while daddy dozed. After waking up, I ate a little bit and played in the floor for awhile. My favorite airplane toy: the toothbrush that comes in the travel kit. That thing rocks. All the flight attendants paid a lot of attention to me, which was cool, too.

We landed in Boston 20 minutes ahead of schedule and cleared customs in record time. As soon as we exited customs and headed for the transfer desk, however, we noticed a sign that said, "Proceed to the left to check your luggage for transferring flights." Hmmm. We headed over to the transfer desk to pick up our boarding passes for the final leg of our journey and met by a 5'6 (generous estimation), twenty-something punk who worked for Alitalia. Mommy told him we needed to pick up our passes to which he replied, "Where is your luggage?" Mommy calmly told him that Alitalia had checked our luggage through to our final destination in Washington. He heaved a sigh of complete and utter disgust and said, "You still have to pick up your luggage in customs and recheck it." Mommy replied that she simply didn't know that and asked what she and daddy needed to do to get it. He then made the mistake of scolding mommy. He told her she couldn't go back to get the luggage, and added that she should have known she had to retrieve her luggage, taunting, "Alitalia made an announcement on your flight." Mommy said she never heard any such announcement, and, for the record, I don't remember one either. The guy, who apparently had a death wish, seethed, "It is a pre-recorded announcement. They make it on every flight." At this point, mommy did something many of you have probably seen, but I never had. She lit into this man. Here are some highlights from her tirade: "Look, I'm sorry I didn't hear any announcement and there are no signs indicating you need to pick up your luggage until AFTER you exit the customs area. Do you want me to get down on my hands and knees to beg your forgiveness because I didn't know I needed to pick up my luggage in Boston when I was told it was checked to Washington? Do you want me to grovel? Do I need to fly back to Italy just so I can fly back to the United States and go through customs in Boston again to retrieve my bags? Just tell me exactly what it is that I need to do in order to receive forgiveness from you for this heinous grievance I have committed?" His response was yet another derogatory comment about mommy and daddy's intelligence level. At this point, daddy (aka Deacon Davis) got involved and uttered a few words that are not appropriate for a baby's blog. After all that, the guy told us Customs would clear and check our bags to Washington for us and sent us to the Delta counter to retrieve our boarding passes. Why he couldn't have done that in the first place is beyond me. Maybe he is part of Boston's welcome committee. As we headed for the Delta counter, daddy muttered, "I'd like to see you out from behind that big counter so I could whip your *%@." Daddy is so tough.

We wound our way through the terminal to the Delta counter, retrieved our tickets, and started through the security line. The TSA agents were belting our their prohibited items questions: "Liquids? Shampoos? Gels? Shaving Cream? Baby Food?" Mommy went to the pre-screen area and pulled out her one-quart bag of permissible goods, a bag with my baby food in it, and the cleared, sealed bag containing the $60 vinegar and chocolate bar. TSA man immediately declares, "You can't take that on board." Mommy pointed out that it had been purchased at the duty free store in Milan, where it had been sealed by security and cleared as hand luggage. TSA man politely informed mommy that her vinegar and chocolate were only cleared for the Milan-Boston leg of her journey, but not subsequent connecting legs. In other words, she could bring her terrorist vinegar and death by chocolate IN to the country, but just couldn't take it outside of Boston. She could either consume both bottles of vinegar and the chocolate before going through security, throw it out, or check it in with the rest of her luggage (which was probably being urinated on by the little twit back at the Alitalia transfer desk). TSA man directed mommy back to the Delta counter, where he assured her they had boxes for checking items for this sort of occasion. Naturally, the lady at the Delta counter had no idea what he was talking about and told mommy the best she could offer was a plastic bag, pointing out, "It probably won't really protect those glass bottles." Genius. Thankfully, mommy had an extra diaper bag, so she stashed her culinary would-be weapons in it and checked it through to Washington.

It should come as no surprise that when we arrived in Washington at 4:30 (just in time for rush hour), the diaper bag was the only bag there. The vinegar and chocolate were safe, as were all the passengers aboard our flight who otherwise could have been severely harmed had mommy had these items with her in the cabin. Welcome to America.